Forever Grateful

I found myself remembering a very special part of my journey to date and decided to write about it. When I was in the abusive relationship, I thought that no one could help me. I thought that it was all my fault. You know, if only I had said the right thing or done the right thing. If only I had cleaned the house better or made better dinners. If only I had been a better wife. There were so many "if only's." One day, I decided that I would try to get help. One of the first agencies that I found here locally would play a large part in my recovery from the abuse.

The first time I ever talked to any professional about the abuse was with this agency. They have various staff members that do various jobs within the agency. The first day I walked into this one staff member's office, the room had a soothing and calming effect to it. There was a rocking chair for me to sit in and the lights were gentle -- not bright like in other offices. The woman explained to me what we would be doing. She told me that I could share as little or as much as I wanted to. She also had a questionnaire for me to answer. Midway through the intake process, I started to cry. Never had I even whispered some of the things that I shared with the woman that day. And never had I expected to learn that there were people that cared and would help me and my children.

My children and I than began to attend support groups. Mine were on Wednesdays and theirs were on Saturdays. We felt so supported during the meetings. They helped us to know that it wasn't our fault. They also helped us to know that our emotions are natural and ok. I gained a trust for the people within this agency and began to talk and ask more questions. I also began to open up to them and reveal things I and the children had endured. I didn't talk all at once, but piece by piece, slowly and in baby steps.

One day, when something with my ex happened, I felt very scared for our safety and spoke about it at the support group meeting. It was then that I learned this same agency had an abuse shelter that we could go to. We did go. Being in that shelter changed my life forever, as did the staff of this particular agency. I'll share more about the experiences at the shelter at another time. For now, I am remembering the agency and the help we received from them.

One Saturday, I was feeling overwhelmed and just felt like all I was going to do was cry. Crying did not come easy for me. I just didn't do it. Yet, this morning I felt like my body just wanted to cry. One of the facilitators of the meeting called me into her office to talk to me and I broke down. I started to cry and she asked if she could hug me. I lost it and as she held me I cried and cried. She told me that I was like a phoenix and that I would rise from the abuse. She just held me. What she did affected me to a great degree. To this day, when I think of that day, tears will come. She was genuine. She cared.

Another day, I was having a bad day and needed to talk to someone. So, I went in to see someone at the agency. She asked me to draw what I was feeling, because I couldn't verbalize it. She then left me alone with my feelings and gave me some time alone. I remember sitting on the floor and hugging a pillow so tight while crying again. But, even though I was alone in the room, I wasn't 'alone.'

I felt so supported through those in that agency. There were many other experiences I had with that agency. I learned, through them, that I mattered. I learned that it wasn't my fault. I learned that I could speak up. I had a voice and it was okay to use it. I learned that I wasn't a screw up and that everything he did was not ok.

The staff in that agency hold a very dear place in my heart. I will never forget them. Never. I will always remember what they did for my children and I. I encourage everyone that I meet that is in an abusive relationship to go check out that agency. I also advocate for victims and survivors to seek out help. There is help out there. We may not know there is, but there is. Victims of abuse do not have to walk the journey alone. Neither do they have to stay in the relationship and be abused. They can get help and find healing.