From the Heart

I have been deep in thought for a couple of days now and have come to many realizations about my own journey and process towards healing.  Perhaps the most important aspect of my reflecting is that I believe that if I encourage you in your struggles and challenges, yet, I do not share my own, then I do you a great disservice as a fellow survivor and friend.

Many of you have written to me privately and expressed your thoughts on how strong you perceive me to be.  If my process wasn't truly one of the heart, I would never write about what I intend to write about here, in this article.  I have never lied to any of you, regarding my journey or my process towards healing.  Yet, in some respects I have put on a very strong front.  That is noone's fault, but my own.  This weekend, I realized that the front is not a part of who I want to be. 

This journey to healing, for anyone who has endured any form of abuse, is by no means easy.  It is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to experience in my lifetime.  It is a journey, which contains a wide array of emotions.  Some emotions are light and easy to contend with.  Yet, others, are incredibly difficult and can feel overpowering.  None of us, including myself, are so strong that we can weather any storm in life without help or support.  Strength, in my opinion, is also magnified when we learn to reach out for help.  That is what I have found myself doing this weekend.

Many of you know about my previous struggles with anorexia and self-injury.  I have shared this part of my journey with you before.  I believe that although a person can overcome those behaivors, they might not necessarily be cured of them.  You see, I believe that self-injury is a form of addiction.  I say this, because I can attest to the fact that I struggle with it, occasionally, on a level of addiction.  Just as an alcoholic can be in recovery, they can also be tempted to go back to that behavior, once the thought patterns are triggered.  I believe it is the same with an eating disorder or self-injury.  No addiction is any worse than another. 

We all know that people who drink excessively, in an unhealthy manner, are encouraged to attend AA mettings and reach out for support.  It is the same with someone who is a drug addict.  It should be no different for someone with an eating disorder or self-injurious behaviors.

Most of you may be surprised to learn that I was diagnosed with anorexia, just three years ago.  I went down ten sizes in pants, in less than three months.  I was put on Ensure and diagnosed with anorexia.  I simply stopped eating, for various reasons, which I can go into another time.  Now, my weight is up simply because I was put on a strong dose of steroids for an eye condition, in which I almost lost my eyesight.  I began the same anorexic patterns and was told by my therapist that I will not lose the weight as easily because my body would then store whatever fat it had in it.  However, the anorexic behavior also affected my heart, which is why I am now facing heart testing.  Any form of addiction comes with a very serious price.  Anorexia isn't an issue about weight, it's an issue of mental health.  That's a fact, in my opinion.

Please be patient while I share my heart with you.  I have become quite adept and skilled at hiding my own struggles.  I perceived my journey as being one of complete strength and having the necessity of being all things to all people.  However, sometime over this weekend, I came to the realization that this is not what is expected of me.  I am not super woman.  I am a survivor.  I am not made of steel in my resolve.  I am human, much like yourselves.  I don't believe that there is a survivor alive that doesn't have to contend with challenges and difficulties along the way, throughout their process.  I'm not sure why I thought that I had to.   But, you know what?  I will share my heart with you, so that you know I am truly on this journey with you. 

I am nowhere near being completely healed from the effects of the abuse I have endured over the past 42 years.  I am not sure that any of us actually ever become fully healed from the abuse we endured.  We can most certainly strive for healing and work on becoming whole.  However, we will feel pain, sorrows, guilt, shame, anger etc., throughout our process.

The past 3 1/2 weeks of watching my mother suffer, has not been without struggles.  There are days when she goes backward in time.  Things that she says or does trigger my memory of abusive incidents from my childhood.  I find myself having my childhood thrust in my face.  And, quite honestly, that is not easy to deal with.  There are many painful emotions that I have stuffed deep down for many years.  These same emotions are now surfacing and I am struggling.  I love my mother.  Over the past several years, we have become very good friends.  However, when my parents drank excessively, they were abusive.  Some in my community never had a clue.  Those that did have a clue, opted not to get involved.  My oldest sister said recently that she vowed to come back and take the last remaining three of us out of the home, once she moved out.  Obviously, she wasn't able to do that.  When I was a kid, there just were not the resources that there are now.

I thought I had put my childhood behind me.  I thought that all the pain and sorrows were buried too deep to ever resurface again.  I was wrong.  Very wrong.  Now, I must take the same advice that I have given to others who sought my advice.  I must reach out for help.  You see, I have found myself battling the urges of self-injury once again.  I have also found myself with the same urges for the anorexic behavior.  It is never easy to voice out this type of behavior and ask for help.  Yet, if we are truly going to heal, we must voice it out -- myself included.

I am not perfect.  I am not superwoman.  I am human.  I am in pain.  I feel the sorrows of my childhood abuses.  I feel in my heart, what I felt as a little girl.  And it is most certainly a difficult thing.  This is why I have played so much with Steve, in his little 'game,'  although I do have my boundaries, because I sincerely believe in laughter.  Sometimes, it just helps to lay down the burdens and the heavy loads -- and just laugh. 

I welcome any suggestions from all of you that have survived domestic violence.  I am not here to be someone that is put on a pedestal.  I am just like you.  I process just like you.  I feel just like you.  I long for healing, just like you.  We are truly on this journey together.