Which World?

If you are fully able to hear, consider yourself blessed and fortunate.  On November 17, 1998, while driving home from the commissary with a car full of groceries, the road started to move.  It got so bad that I drove the rest of the way at 15 mph...literally.  The next day I was so sick and had vertigo very bad.  I couldn't walk.  To get to the kitchen to wash dishes, I had to crawl.  Then I had to crawl to the bathroom because I was sick.  Then I crawled back to the couch to rest.  I had to do dishes because my then husband would not do them for me.  For the next week, my hearing started to deteriorate and I was very sick.  They first diagnosed me with Menieres.  The end result of that week that I was sick was that I lost a great deal of hearing in my left ear and my balance nerve in my right ear was destroyed...leaving me with balance on only one side.

I went and saw doctors for it who told me to do a myriad of things.  One doctor told me to shake my head as hard as I could, in order to cause the tiny hairs floating around in my ear to reposition themselves on my inner ear.  In retrospect I think that was the stupidest thing I could have been told to do.  Over the years, my hearing went down all the way in my left ear and started to go down in my right ear.  To this day, I am deaf in my left ear.  I also, over the years, learned that I have an auto immune disorder called Cogans, that was most likely brought on by the stress of years of abuse.  Cogans affects the eyes, ears, and balance.  Yes, my vision was also affected.  Thankfully, I still have good eyesight.  I do have struggles with my vision and have to be careful to go to the doctors when it acts up, but I am able to see good.  I've had cataract surgery on both eyes and have been told I won't get that again.  So, that's good and the surgeries were minor...outpatient.

When I first started to lose my hearing, the department of vocational rehab sent me to sign language classes.  That was the beginning of me learning sign language.  They also paid for my first hearing aids, as well as classes so that I could be trained in an area of my choice.  I am forever grateful to them.  Without their help, I would not have been able to get my AA.

I have been told that the hearing loss is permanent.  I will never regain my hearing and that frustrates me.  One Christmas season, as I was sitting at a table in the center of the mall, catching up on homework, lights down the mall started flashing and I could hear someone talking on the loud speaker but could not hear them.  Then a siren started going off.  I watched others sitting there and drinking coffee or reading books and papers while I struggled to figure out what was happening.  I finally went to a security guard, who then told me it was only a fire drill.  I asked him if they wouldn't consider posting signs from then on, for those of us who couldn't hear well.

I thought my life was over when I lost my hearing.  I didn't know that a deaf person can drive just as well as a hearing person.  It's better to have a system in their car to alert them to emergency sirens so they didn't get into an accident, but deaf people do still drive.  I was ignorant and didn't know what I know now.

Perhaps the most frustrating thing is to feel as though you don't belong anywhere.  There are Deaf communities across the country that are thriving.  Yet, I didn't know sign language well enough to communicate and because I grew up hearing, I was then thought of as a hearing person...even today.  I couldn't hear well, so I didn't belong in the hearing community.  Even today...I feel as though I'm not sure where I belong.  I've struggled with this for years.  I have hearing friends, and Deaf friends.  I'm fortunate that I have friends in both worlds.  But, that doesn't mean I feel like I 'belong' in either of them.  If only I knew more sign language or if only I could hear better.  People that can hear sometimes get frustrated with me when I can't hear them, which in turn frustrates me.  When I detect that they are frustrated, I simply nod and smile if they are smiling or frown if they are frowning. 

I had forgotten what it was like to hear a bird chirp, or a gecko make it's noise at night time.  I had forgotten what the rain sounded like when pounding against the roof. 

That's why my getting a new hearing aid has been such a blessing for me.  It helps me to hear those things once again.  The other day, my hearing aid stopped working and i panicked.  It's my only perceived connection to the hearing world that i once belonged to.  I can hear good with it now.  The funniest thing is that my kids can no longer whisper, since I can hear it better now.  We all get a good laugh over it.  My hearing aid, by the way, is fixed and working well again. 

Never take your hearing for granted.  If you can hear count your blessings.